10.25.2016

wallpaperup.com

There’s still fight in you… a burning desire to live. I know you’re still clawing at the fibers that hold you to this reality, but the sparkle and flecks of gold that danced in your eyes for years has faded. But that’s one thing that I’ve always admired about you, your tenacity and refusal to submit. I like to think that I inherited these traits from you.


I can still get you to smile, I can still get you to blow me kisses, and I still feel my heart break every time that I hug you goodbye and head to the airport.


I’m not always honest with myself, sometimes I pretend that you’ll get better. Sometimes I bury my thoughts and emotions away in a vault deep inside where no one can get to them… it’s the same vault I used throughout my journey through hell during the years of my childhood.


I lost you to drugs and a narcissistic demon named Luap when I was in second grade, then got you back when I moved to Florida, but you were living in a haze. I can still remember the way my skin split and bled during the beatings that Luap would give me. I can still remember the few occasions when you happened to be home during his attacks and tried to defend me. Dazed or not, your motherly instincts overpowered the demon, pushing him back into his rotten den. But despite the way you tried to protect me, I ran. I voluntarily gave you up and my heart ached from it, but shortly after, you joined me in Maryland. Then you disappeared again. This time without a trace.


I don’t tell everyone this because of the fear that they’ll think I’m crazy. But I knew you were gone before anyone told me. I dreamed you were there in my aunt’s home. Floating in the middle of the room. You held a giant box but said nothing. See, it was my birthday and the box was my present. I went to you, and lifted the lid from the box only to find not a gift, but a black hole that reached into a never ending abyss. Then my aunt’s clock started to chime and you floated backwards until you disappeared through a wall. I woke up with a pain in my heart that I had never felt before. You were gone… and I knew it. I had lost you again.


I spent the years of my childhood fighting to maintain a hold on your image, your scent, the sound of your voice, anything that would keep you “real”.


Namaw broke down every time she and I discussed you. She missed you so much. I believe that I made an effort to locate you just as much for her as for myself.


When I found some of your old paperwork buried in Namaw’s home, I immediately made a trip to the address that I saw listed on the demon’s documents. I knocked on the door, saw your gold flecked eyes through the blinds and knew the moment when recognition took root in your mind. I saw you “wake up”, I heard your heart pound again. You came out of stasis and began trying to live again. You couldn’t completely step back into the real world, for too many years had passed filled with abuse and neglect, but you tried regardless of the limitations you faced. I was 20 years old when I found you in Florida.


Here we are present day and I’m losing you again… I’m 32. You’re 57. I feel like my whole life I’ve been playing tug and war with you. Pulling you towards the light while the darkness tried to keep its claws in you. It may appear to outsiders that I’ve lost but I know that we’ve won. You know that you are loved, you know that I would do anything to protect you, and everytime I hug you I can feel your love for me. You will live on after this, just not with me here in this world. Wherever you land and continue on, I pray that a little piece of my soul goes with you to keep you company, to be your cheerleader.


I love you so much.